Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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