i don't like sucking hair
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
