I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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