I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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