Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You smell like stripper and shame
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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