I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
