Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm both gender and math confused
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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