I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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