So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
