i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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