I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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