We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
