I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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