Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
