Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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