did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
