I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
