We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
