I'm sorry my penis didn't work
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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