i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
