My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
