There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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