You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
