Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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