he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
