So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
