Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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