We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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