I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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