We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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