I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
