fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
