He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
