My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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