she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
