I just cut my nipple shaving
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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