I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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