Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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