Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
