No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
