Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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