New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Come see our sink grown plant.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
