A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
