Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
