you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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