I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
it's like heaven, but drunker
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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