yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
