I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Blood and glitter go together right?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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