my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
