His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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