After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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