True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
