Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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