Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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